mount pleasant, pennsylvania

I'm home.
That makes 12 days now.  I needed time before I told you, because I myself wasn't even sure how to handle it, how to explain the feeling.

My last days in Belgium passed by slowly.  I'd never felt as if I wanted to go home until the end, until most of my friends were already gone and I felt like it was time to begin the summer.  I felt sick with goodbyes, and wanted nothing but the last to finally say hello.

Nonetheless, there were some highlights in my final weeks, such as a trip to Amsterdam with my host family

 and a trip to a concentration camp in Belgium named Breedonk.

I felt kind of emotionless at the airport as I left; it seemed as if my excitement and sadness canceled eachother out.  I had accepted the end of my Belgian adventure, and I was ready to come home to begin another one. 
I was expecting myself to feel something, to cry, to run up to my friends and lift them in the air as I finally arrived in the Pittsburgh airport, but after about 4 hours of delays, I saw everyone and simply felt like I'd seen them the day before. I felt like I never left, as if Belgium was nothing but a vivid dream I had on the plane and I was returning from a week vacation. At the sight of my mother, my sisters, my best friends, I just stood there without any strong feelings.  Nothing seemed to have changed; I was dropped right back into the world I had left eleven months before.  Was it really eleven months?

The night of my arrival, my friends and I stayed up until 5am American time (11am Belgian time) talking about the year that had passed, taking midnight trips to Walmart, eating all the foods I'd missed at absurd hours (absurd to Europeans at least), and laughing.  That night, I got along with them all as I always had, as if nothing had changed, and it stayed that way for the week that followed. 

Not until recently have I realized that my relationships with my best friends here are more like sisterly relationships.  I'm with them out of habit, not necessarily out of choice.  I got along so well with my friends in Belgium, my exchange student friends.  They have a part of me with them; they've watched me grow and taught me who I am.  I never fought with them; I never tried with them.  We all just fit, fit so perfectly since we saw the world in the same way; we felt the world in the same way.

It's not that I'm unhappy, but I'm not completely content, not until I find those friends again, those friends to show me inspiration and make me smile.  I think I'm on the right track though.  I've realized that there are a lot of people who have changed in the past year in the same way I have, which gives me hope.  I get along with people now that I never really had before, and it's kind of opening my eyes.  There are so many people, so many opinions, so many outlooks on life that I never had paid attention to before, and now I'm beginning to learn so much.  To think I felt as if I was open-minded before I left surprises me; I speak with the people who I had shared opinions with, and I find them close-minded.

Slowly I'm beginning to realize how much I've changed, and how much more confident I feel with myself now that I've changed.

Constantly I say that I left the US as an exchange student, and I came back as Jordann.
It couldn't be more true.  I never had a name before; I was only caught up in what I wanted to be, but now I simply am.
In truth, it's liberating. 
I am able to see, breathe, feel.   

Have you ever stood on top of a mountain as the sun shines or sets or rises while the wind is breathing around you?  When you can lean out over the edge and feel the wind, the world embrace you?  You can let go of yourself, and the surrounding beauty seems to keep you standing.  That feeling, that's how I feel everyday.  I don't need to worry about keeping myself standing, because I see the world around me, its simple beauties, and I know it will never let me fall.
If you've never felt it, go climb a mountain, or at least a high hill, and feel it.  Please feel it, because that's life.  Or at least the life I know, and I love him. 
Maybe you'll love him, too.


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this is a blog

that you may find profound, deviant, or insipid.

It may teach you, inspire you and leave you lost in thought; or it may bore you and cause your eyes to drag slowly shut.

You may read it for an hour, or maybe not at all.

Maybe you'll get to know me, maybe in ways I don't even know me.

I left the United States in August 2010 as a Rotary exchange student. I'll leave Belgium in July 2011 as Jordann.

about me

My photo
Braine-l'Alleud, Belgium
I follow the sun.